So with my birthday looming on the horizon, it’s time for my yearly spouting off of things I’ve learned. So here you go, Dear Reader: my take on life, what’s important, and everything in between.
1.) “All you need is love.” This statement is beyond true. But it has to be real love, not Hey-I-love-you-when-you’ve-put-on-makeup-and-are-a-size-two” love. Unconditional love goes miles towards healing and miles towards joy. Try it out sometime.
2.) And if you’re experiencing the opposite of #1 with someone in your life? Show them to the nearest exit.
3.) Actions speak louder than words. If someone says they’re one thing and shows you they’re another, they’re liars.
4.) Surround yourself with people who will hold your hair back when you vomit and their only concern is you, not the fact you just puked in front of them.
5.) Don’t start fights, finish them. Being a non~asshole does not equate with being a doormat.
6.) Find your voice and use it.
7.) Avoid people who use the phrase “We’re going to do Europe this summer.” These people are idiots. You don’t do a continent, you visit it, ass~munch.
8.) Your children will only be little once, and then they’ll be off to live their own lives, as they should. So take the time to answer the play phone, watch Bubble Guppies for the umpteeth time, and rock them back to sleep. Because you never know if it’s the last time they’re going to want that from you. When those days are gone, you’re going to miss them (and you’re going to miss them even when you paid very close attention to them).
9.) Quit counting calories. Quit wondering how many extra minutes you’ll have to run on the treadmill if you get the chocolate souffle. Eat the fucking souffle and enjoy every last bite without trading the experience in later for some stupid ideal about perfect bodies.
10.) Don’t value a person based upon what’s in their bank account. Value them instead on how they treat people they have no reason to be nice to.
11.) Treat yourself how you’d want people treating the person you love most in the world.
12.) If you don’t like something about yourself, stop complaining about it and do something about it.
13.) If you’re old enough to rent a car and mom and dad are still paying your way, you’re not an adult. You’re a child with one bad ass allowance. Cut the cord and take care of your own bills you spoiled brat.
14.) Blood does not equate with the right to treat people like shit. I don’t care if they’re your brother or sister, your mom or your dad: if they’re abusive, boot them out of your life.
15.) Never be too chicken shit to say “I love you.” You might never again get the chance.
16.) Sometimes you just gotta say “fuck it” and food porn out.
17.) Contribute something positive to the world.
18.) “K” is probably one of the most annoying things I can read in response to a message. It comes across as I’m not worth the time and effort it takes to put one letter before it. I have no problem ending a conversation after I read “k.” And maybe I’m bitchy for taking that stance. Or maybe I just know what I like and don’t like after almost four decades on this planet.
19.) Life’s too short and too hard to spend with people who bring nothing but negative to your life.
20.) If you’re late for meeting someone, you’ve lost the right to be butt~hurt if they find something else to occupy their time.
21.) Stop basing your self worth on ridiculous ideals about beauty.
22.) If you find someone who accepts you as is and loves you unconditionally, treat them like gold and celebrate them for what they are: a gift.
23.) Put your damn cell phone down and be present for those in your life you love.
24.) Tell those you love how you feel before the end.
25.) No one is who they seem to be in a bar. That’s the same as someone thinking what they saw on an acid trip was actually real.
26.) Listen to what people say. If someone says they don’t want children, to change occupations, to have a serious relationship, they mean it. Arguing with them or trying to change their mind is a waste of time. Don’t waste yours on someone who isn’t willing or able to give you what you need in your life.
27.) Find your passion. Find an occupation that you’re adept at that allows you to pursue your passion. Do not allow your passion to become your occupation, because you’ll lose your love of it.
28.) Never underestimate the power of a bottle of wine and excellent conversation.
29.) Laugh loudly.
30.) Find joy in the little things.
31.) Figure out how you want the world to remember you after you’re gone. Life your life accordingly.
32.) Never underestimate the power of coloring.
33.) Learn the difference between need and want.
34.) Ladies, if your shorts are wider than their length, get rid of them. Learn to dress for your body type.
35.) There’s a reason why blue eye shadow and huge bangs went out of style folks.
36.) Don’t be afraid to employ your middle finger. For added effect, use both.
37.) Life’s hard. Best to enjoy the moments that get us through the rough times.
38.) If you’re afraid of people seeing you without your makeup, you’re wearing too much.
39.) I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.